I woke up to stare into the faces of three pairs of eyes. Mum, dad and Etim. I was on the bed. I looked around. It was my room. I wondered why mum was grinning from ear to ear.
“You fainted Jolaade. You need to take it easy.” He looked at me more suspiciously.
“Etim, please excuse us.” She was still smiling
“My dear,” she rushed to sit beside me immediately the door closed. “are you pregnant?”
“What? How…” I sat up.
“You can tell me dear.”
This woman! Suddenly she starts to show excitement. “I’m not mum. I’m just stressed. I need to speak with Etim. She reluctantly walked out. Etim came in some minutes after.
“Are you okay? You fainted?”
I nodded.
“I am. I’m just… scared, maybe it’s the jitters.”
“Jitters? Where is it coming from? “
“No not the jitters per se, I just want everything to work out well.” He held me close and rested his chin on my head and my hands went round his waist so tight, I didn’t want to let go.
Thank God for a man who understands unspoken emotions and just knows what a woman needs at crucial times.
We were leaving for Abuja the day after. Etim wanted us to spend a few days there to cool off so Agaptus was taking us to the airport. As we stepped out of my house, my phone rang, just as I picked it up, the line went off.
Getting into the car, Agaptus was arranging the glove compartment. His clumsiness was irking Etim.
“Are you looking for something?”
“No sir…” the number was switched off while I called it. Agaptus was fidgety but I couldn’t ask for his phone I didn’t want Etim involved. And something just told me Agaptus was in the know of everything. Perhaps he was Etim’s mum’s tool.
“So where did you and my mum go to yesterday?” He asked just as we drove out.
“We went to the lady preparing the aso-oke.”
Agaptus sighed so loud when I said this I almost lost my head. Etim asked if he was okay, he said he was constipated. There and then I concluded Agaptus was involved with this mess with my mother –in-law.
I wished it was honeymoon already `cos I was sure that after honeymoon, we’ll be back to our base and that would spare me the emotional trauma of setting my eyes on her for a while.
We spent some days over at my Uncles place at the PHCN quarters on Ademola Adetokunbo crescent somewhere in Zone 4, Abuja. I told my uncle everything that happened a day before at Baba Buray’s place and the strange phone calls I’ve been getting and he encouraged me, prayed along with me, and I felt much better about going back to Lagos.
We got to Lagos and got back to the usual wedding checking on, I tried all I could to avoid my mother in-law till I got another call from her again the next morning.
“Woo, let me see your wedding gown to be sure it’s not too revealing.”
Iya yi o ni pa mi. I said to myself. As if she’s that keen on decent dressing. I wouldn’t even allow this woman weigh me down.
“No problem ma, I will arrange for that.” I stormed into my room angrily, took a great picture of the gown from all angles, except that I didn’t put it on, and I sent it to her in an e-mail and through her phone. I called her to let her know I had sent it to her as an attachment.
“Iwo ati tani? Shey emi lo `n ranse si? Emi iya oko e? Aiye yi ti baje o, a ni, iwo ati tani?” You and who, is it me you’re sending messages to? Me? Your mother in law? This life is messed up, you and who……
I kept quiet and hung up on her, but I immediately called her back telling her the connection was lost and I couldn’t hear her well enough, she then decided to retaliate and hung up on me.
Shior!
Just before she called me again, my phone rang and it was the strange number that had been calling me. I didn’t pick it up this time, and then it beeped announcing a message. It was blank. Around 3 p.m, it rang again. Someone was toying with my mind. It was a private number and so I ignored it. Two blank messages after, I screamed! Wurrahell? Now I know what I’m up against, it was time to involve her son. Damn any throat tickle! It was time to put on whatever armour I could lay my hands on.
“Hey love, we need to talk, I do not understand this situation anymore”.
“I know it’s my entire fault; I’m coming over with DS.” he replied.
With my usual `what the hell is going on’ look, I said to myself ………What? He knows? It’s his entire fault? I wasn’t concerned about him coming over with DS since he’s been the one doing the last minute errands with Etim. ‘
“Babe, what do you mean it’s your entire fault? And that you know?”
“Well, I’d explain everything to you when I see you in a few minutes.” He responded.
“Shegiya to your MIL” Semirah said immediately she opened the door to my room. I burst into laughter. She wasn’t smiling. It had taken a lot for so many friends and family to come to Nigeria because of my wedding. Everyone knew I couldn’t even afford any stress on my part.
“What’s wrong with her? Tell me because I don’t understand. How can she be so angry because of your gown? Are you sure that’s all?”
“Sure.” I lied. “The whole thing tires me already.”
Etim came in. Semirah quickly excused us. Immediately the door closed…
“Babe, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it to happen this way, I was pissed when Bundo told me about the being pregnant or not issue, but that was it. When DS brought it up, I was trying to explain to him on how he heard, I didn’t know mum was at home, I didn’t know she was eavesdropping, I…”
I immediately knew I had to sit down, `cos my knees became so feeble. I sat down on the chair facing the computer table. I took off my glasses, placed my left pinky in my mouth, and felt my ring on my cheek. I looked at it with tears trickling down my eyes, I felt like this was so surreal. Two weeks to my wedding!
Na lie, it can’t be happening!
Etim knew so well not to hold me immediately or say anything. We sat in silence for a coupla mins, and then I began to wonder if it was his mother that had been calling with the private number. A message came in immediately. I hoped it wasn’t blank! It wasn’t. It read…
So this is why you refused to do what Baba Buray asked of you, abi? There are no dangerous secrets in this family, and it will not start from you. You believed no one would know abi? You ungrateful and heartless child. Alaigboran, omo iranu (obstinate and useless child)
After I dropped the phone on the table, Etim walked towards me, he wasn’t too sure what to expect and since the phone was with me, I guessed he feared I could throw it at him in annoyance, so he walked back to sit on the edge of the bed. DS came in, squatted and just rubbed my hands without saying a word; I couldn’t say a word all I did was cry and cry. Etim walked towards us, and bent over me from behind and held my hands and whispered,
“I’m sorry mum heard. I’m sorry about how you feel right now, but trust me when I say everything is okay.”
“Babe, I swear I wasn’t pregnant for Femi and I haven’t been pregnant before, please believe me.” I cried
“I know, I believe you.” Etim said.
Semirah came in, pushing DS aside and wrapping me in an embrace. She pleaded with Etim to go speak with his mum concerning the issue, so she doesn’t get it twisted and then he embraced me. DS gave me a hug too.
“Sorry about it all Jola. Etim will talk to his mum, okay?”
“Thanks. I really appreciate.” I nodded.
“Please call Etim later, assure him that you have forgotten the whole thing and that it’s all good because Etim is disturbed.”
I nodded.
I know Etim didn’t need the stress, especially stress from his mum, he’s never learnt how to handle her. His best way was always to ignore her, which could go on for months and I didn’t want that to happen `cos it always affected him in the end. Few minutes after they left, I called Etim and told him, I appreciated him coming over and that nothing changes, I was still going to marry.
My father in law called me the next morning and apologized on behalf of his son and wife for however I must be feeling and assured me that there was no trouble between the Ubon- Israel family and I. Etim had to speak to his father concerning the issue `cos he was so pissed to speak with his mother, and his father should know just how to handle his wife.
Where were my family all these while? My father and uncle knew about the on-going issue, did the man thing and kept it away from my mum. It felt like my father was just present but absent at the same time. He never stepped into situations till he believed you’ve tried all you could. Remember my mother couldn’t know anything? She had to be kept away from whatever was going on; otherwise if she had the tiniest clue, the wedding may have been called off or put on hold.
Thank God the wedding went on hitch-free. At the reception, it was time for us to dance with our parents and newly acquired parents. I thought I was just going to dance with my Father-in-law, who honestly is just a gentleman after my heart, till I saw Etim stretch his mum toward me. As she danced with me, she started talking and smiling (talk of beautified wickedness).
“Mo gbodo gbo pe o ti loyun laipe yi, ti e ba ti de odo yin loun, ko ya fara mo oko e gidigan ni. Ti o ba je gbogbo oru abi aro kutu kutu ni e ma ba ara yin sun, ko ya f’aramo, ki o loyun kia kia, kaka be… I must get news of your pregnant state very soon. when you get back to your base, make sure you get intimate with your husband, if you have to have sex every night or at dawn, you better get used to it and get pregnant immediately or else. .
Should I toss her back to her son, toss her back to her husband or just toss her out of the window? I kept contemplating while she dished out more fake smiles. I made up my mind to dance away from her and towards her handsome and graceful son, who was now my husband. As I danced away, I heard as she scoffed.
After the dance, it was time to say thanks and bye, and my dearest responsibility picked up the microphone and thanked everyone who came and made our day great, he ended by looking down at me saying and demonstrating with his right finger
“Jolaade Adenuga, as long as God has given me, Etim Ubon Israel to you, and has indeed blessed our marriage today, oo ni problem.
Everyone laughed.
We immediately took off, and left for the airport at 10:07pm, our flight enroute Barbados was in less than an hour. As we were trying to check in our luggage, you wouldn’t believe who we met at the airport… oh my goist!!!
Ameh & Oyster
Photo by Nigerian Wedding
Pearls & Oysters 