She rushed for her phone, her fingers clicking on the keypad. By now, she was beginning to breathe as if she just got into a fight with someone. She held the phone to her left ear, shaking so furiously I feared she was going to fall. She was waiting for the person on the other side to speak.
Semirah took a quick glance at her, smiled and winked at me. There I was just standing like a head of a blinking idiot. What now?
“We’ll speak with you later, Subomi. Sha be careful.” And then she turned to me “Ehn, when they tell them, they won’t listen. Or how many? I ask you Jola, how many young ladies are lucky enough to have a mother-in-law like yours? None!”
Omg!!!Semirah ti pa mi!
“I will rather not have a mother in law. If she cannot act as my mother, then I’m not interested. Abi mummy, what do you think?” Semirah walked towards my MIL engaging her. I was shell-shocked. Did Semirah actually think MIL will buy her sudden twist? I could almost guess the countenance she will be wearing. And then I turned to her and discovered how completely she had bought the gist.
“Haaaa Semirah. I had a good intention of slapping you before speaking with my son. I thought you were referring to me.”
“Haba!” Semirah gave her the eyes! And those Fulani puppy dog eyes of hers got MIL grinning from ear to ear.
As if that wasn’t enough shock, Semirah rushed to hug her. She disengaged from Semirah.
“Ma, you ke? Lai lai. Never. How will I be referring to you when you are right here in my presence ma? How can you even be a mother-in-law, when you are obviously our mother? I tell it to Jolade every time that you are totally different. She sniffed as if holding back tears and walked to hug Mrs. Ubon Israel.
“Haba mama. At all ma.” She said repeatedly, kneeling down towards MIL.
“That’s okay.”
All along I stood, moping with my head turning left and right watching them.
“It’s a shame Edidiong is younger than me, I wouldn’t have minded you as my husband’s mother too.”
“Awww! Get up my dear. God will make you as lucky as your friend, even though she’s yet to know how lucky she is to have my son.”
Yeah right.
She glanced my way. “Even luckier. Just keep being good, okay?”
Yes ma. Semirah packed her dishes, scoffed as she walked away singing “Ina tu nada mama na, Ina tu nada mama na, ina tu nada mama na. ina tun nada mama na, mama na, mama na my devoted, mama na my desire. Wayo Allah mama na” some Hausa song.
With a confused look on my face, I made a mental note to ask her what it meant when we were alone and then I followed her to the kitchen. When I turned back to my mother in law, it looked to me like she had her doubts about Semirah’s explanation and even the song.
I whispered at the hallway. “You are one sick babe. What if Subomi hadn’t called?”
“Something else will have given way. That woman has issues o!”
“Welcome to my home.”
Semirah grabbed my arm as soon as we got to the kitchen. “Mslady, quick intrusive question, are you making love properly with your man at all? Juwell abi Jools or what do you people call yourselves?” She chuckled. “Trev was talking about Etim being so `cooked up’ lately.”
“‘Cooked up’?” I smiled. Gist can fly!
“Well talk to me! Don’t start thinking because you are pregnant, you won’t tend to your man sexually.”
“Look babe, hearing you say Etim, me and sexual in one sentence is just…”
“I know you. I trust you in staying secretive about it.”
I smiled.
“I can school you on things like this. I have elder ones, remember? They even tell me it’s more interesting when you’re pregnant. That there are lots of styles… Is it true?”
“Wooo Semirah, leave me jare, if you were married and in my situation you will have a clue on what it feels like. For now, you have no say. What’s your own? shebi he’s my husband? You get one for yourself and tell you can school me on what it feels like?”
“Ha ha! Has it come to that? You’ve just been tasi-ing me today and …”
I jolted when I heard something smash. It was Etim’s mum. I bet she was eavesdropping and she fell over something. “I apologize Semirah. I’ve been really irritating lately. I don’t forgo things I use to let go before.”
I tried to pacify Semirah with my hands, caressing her back but she was already getting her keys and picking her bag. She started towards the door.The Semirah I know would never leave without a parting shot.
She stopped in her tracks and turned to me. There it was. I smiled.
Demonstrating with her hands and keys “All of you who think getting married a man is the end of the world and we temporary single ladies are an abomination, it’s not your fault. You’ve joined them, abi” she hissed and walked away.
As Semirah walked away and slammed the door shut, I did truly see myself as one of those bitchy married ladies Semirah and I once made fun of when I was still single; one of those women who knew nothing about being sensitive to other people’s feelings. I didn’t mean it that way, but truth be told I’ve been very selfish lately; not even asking her if there was anyone speaking sweet nothings to her. I dialed her number, but it was her voice mail that came up. Reality somehow set in so fast.
I left her a voice message “Semirah, I am sorry for being selfish, please call me back and I miss you already.”
An hour after Etim got back from work, I heard his mum narrate the whole story to him while I was dishing his food out. I then slowed things down in the kitchen so I could hear all what was being discussed. She explained how undeserving I was to have Etim as a husband. I watched him say nothing!
I made sure she was at the peak of her conversation when I walked in on them. I had damned all consequences, coupled with my raw nerves, I just stared her straight in the eye, with the meanest look I could concoct. As I dropped the jug of water in front of Etim.
She jolted, unsure of how much I had actually heard and whispered “Aloku Omoge.” Used up lady.
Me, right?
“That much I am, it’s what Etim saw and took to me, after all. Plus I didn’t see you complaining then.”
“Iyen emi naa? Are you referring to me?” She began to scream like one who was about being injected. “Did you hear what she said Etim?”
Etim turned to me with a disappointed look on his face.
“Oh, what now? What have I said? If this is what we would be going through every day, then trust me, you haven’t heard anything at all. You haven’t heard the best of me yet. What is it? What is it? Every day you yell at me, sing stuff and call me all sorts of uncalled for names. Tori kini? Why? Cos I married your son? You should have chosen a wife for him…”
Well this time, her hands went loose, out of Etim’s grasp and unto my cheeks. I was dazed. I hear people talk about slaps and stars and right at that moment, I saw the affinity I saw stars, I actually saw shining stars.
“Now you see what your anger has caused you?” Etim screamed at me. “Mum, please just go to your room.
“What? My anger, are you kidding me?” I had vowed not to cry but Etim’s words couldn’t stop it. Then there was this way he looked at me. All of these had happened in his presence and he blames it on me? What if he wasn’t home? Would he have raised his hands on me after hearing whatever it was I was accused of?
As she fumed back to her room, Etim tried to calm me down. “You should have kept quiet. You should have…”
” She’s gone inside and now you want to placate me? I am sick to my teeth of you and your mother; I started to raise my voice as I walked away from him. And don’t you even think I regret my actions.” I picked up my purse and car keys and drove off, I heard him scream my name, but I didn’t glance back. When I checked the mirrors and I wasn’t being followed, I called Semirah. She wasn’t picking my calls. I parked to the side of the road and screamed out as I wept loudly. I didn’t bargain for this when I met and married Etim. All this MIL talking and husband taking sides. What was he? Eleven years old? I wasn’t going to go back home. I wasn’t ready to lay eyes on her neither did I want to see my so-called husband. I couldn’t think of anyone I could go to, the only thing that came to mind at the time was rest, not necessarily sleep but good rest cos of the baby. I checked into a hotel.
A bath and a cold drink later, without considering the time difference. I called my parents. Dad was so angry hearing me cry like that. I could hear my mum in the background cursing and screaming, promising to visit Etim’s dad once the sun rises. Daddy begged me to get a good night’s sleep, that they would work on it and after he made me promise him I would be fine, I ended the call. My phone didn’t stop ringing henceforth. First it was Etim, Semirah, my dad and then my father-in-law. My mother didn’t wait for the sun to rise before calling my father-in-law. Then loads of text messages came pouring in. I needed my sanity and so I switched my phone off.
At about a quarter to 2 in the wee hours’ of the morning, I woke, put my phone back on and read and listened to all kinds of messages.
At seven am, I had a cup of tea and some sandwiches at the hotel before driving home. The house was quiet.
“Are you okay, runaway?” Semirah. Etim had called her when I disappeared last night.
“Etim is at work and his mother doesn’t seem to be home.” She was smiling mischievously. “I went into her room and it seems like her belongings have vanished.”
Like I cared! I heaved. But seriously, a part of me did. Shio!
I was about to start narrating what had happened to her when it occurred to me that here she was again, turning up in spite of our little fit. I walked to her and hugged her.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know. You big-bellied people get cranky unexpectedly. So tell me, what happened and what were you thinking, cos I couldn’t hear a thing from the message you left on my phone, the crying was terrible?
The doorbell rang.
“One sec.”She twisted her super slim waist to the door, away from the dining table where we had been sitting.
You need to see the disgust on her face, as she swayed her entire body back to my direction with Bundo and my brother in-law in tow. Both of them smiling sheepishly and with his hands wrapped round her waist, she sluggishly walked towards the dining table with Edidiong ushering her.
She wore a crisp chiffon dress and there was a bulge. She also looked a little puffy on the cheeks and nose.
“Well it looks like we would be expecting more than one child this year.” I said out loud
“Yeap.” Edidiong said tapping Bunds’ belly.
“Exactly.” Bundo smiled and pointed her index fingers towards her belly. “I’m pregnant too.”
“Well that much is obvious!”Semirah whispered.
Edidiong stepped aside so we could have a good glance at Bundo and then she turned towards Semirah.
“Why haven’t you been returning any of my calls and messages?”
Semirah’s face was as taut as an African drum, she wasn’t having it with Bundo and was not ready to pretend, especially Bundo trying to play smart as if all was well between both of them. “Well, since I haven’t picked or returned any of your calls, I must have sent a message that you still don’t get and I will …”
“Semirah please…” I immediately stopped Semirah. It appeared like she was ready to unleash at Bundo.
I still couldn’t wrap it round my head that my frenemy was now into my brother-in-law after the Femi Fadayini incident. She was also pregnant! This babe wanted to marry into the same family as me!
Hold up, was this what she wanted to discuss with me on our second date? What a shameless being. I kept thinking.
I got up to hug my brother –in-law as I turned to Semirah. “Ed and Bundo?” She whispered in wonder.
“I tire o.”
Semirah couldn’t hold it any longer. “This can’t be possible!” She turned to Edidiong for an answer. “Ed…”
Edidiong walked towards Bundo holding her hands, smiling. She smiled back. “As shocking as it is. I must confess she is …
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